This is my first blog post on here and I have always wanted to have a nice blog but just never stayed committed. I actually wanted to start this a month ago, at the beginning of the year so that I could post for a whole year…I still don’t know if I am going to stay consistent but I’ll definitely try. The main reason I want to do this is to get over my fear of not being perfect and ruining things. I want to reach some goals this year as well…hopefully I won’t disappoint myself this year.
I plan on mostly posting a some of my art work on here and pretty words…
I miss the girl I used to be; like her eyes that spoke of innocence and her mind that was full of wonder. but of all things, I miss her heart the most. The heart that loved ferociously without a hint of fear. A heart that loved so greatly the universe could burst into tears. How pure and unblemished. For she was a girl who has never been hurt. Carrying a heart that was pure love to the fullest sense. How I wish I could love that way again.
— Conee Berdera
This is the first time in quite a while that I am drawing without feeling like it is a huge and unpleasant task. I have been finding motivation such a difficult thing to have in the past few months and I don’t really know why…
Anyway, I have had quite a few people flip through my sketchbooks or look through my social media feeds and most of them seem to think that a lot of my pieces are “creepy”. I know that not a lot of artists from here try fantasy themes like this and it may be the reason that people are a bit uneasy about it. I like to think that art should be the ultimate freedom to be yourself but as much as how tolerant people think they may be, I don’t believe that they wholeheartedly mean what they are saying.
About a year ago, there was a kid doing a sculpture for his art project for school. It was of what looked a man and a smaller creature coming out of the man’s stomach. This of course made people a bit uncomfortable, so uncomfortable, that one of the parents at the school made a complaint about it and so the student’s work was cancelled and he had to make another piece because the parent complained that it was “demonic”. I was stunned by this because the school was one you would expect to be filled with tolerant and open-minded people. I was also annoyed that someone would go out of their way to demonize someone’s hard work simply because it makes them uncomfortable. More than anything, I am mad that the school went along with it, not even explaining or interpreting what the student was trying to portray and so the student had to start over and suffer the consequences.
This used to make me nervous at first because I make a lot of fantasy themed art and I know that a lot of it looks like it might be “dark art”, which people from here especially might interpret as demonic or evil. People need to be aware that not everything revolves around their beliefs. While they might interpret it as evil, to me some of my pieces represent hope and so wouldn’t ‘canceling’ it or stopping me from expressing myself be ironic in a way? because you are encouraging self expression but just as long as you have these restrictions then you are “free to be yourself”. This is exactly what makes it seem as if art is all a bit pointless to me and maybe I am being a little pessimistic but it really is so very disheartening to see art like “Rafiki” being banned here because this one person does not have enough awareness or wits to think that there could be millions of interpretations out there other than their own.
Just some random thoughts though…What do you think about these sort of things happening?
Here’s a little drawing from yesterday. It’s weird, I know but it’s what I felt…
I still don’t know why I draw these characters without irises. It makes it all so much creepier but it’s how I feel most of the time.
I realized that most of my drawings are of women and they all have pretty much the same features. I think I should get more practice on drawing characters with different facial features.
It still feels pretty strange to be putting little drawings on here. I still want to crawl under the table when people ask to look through my sketchbook. Does that ever end?
Tell if you have this little fear of putting these sort of things out there for everyone to see. What do you do about it?
It’s been a while since I posted any drawings. I don’t really know how I started drawing the pieces with biro and colour block, but I think it turned out to be a theme or style that I really enjoy using. I decided to start a new little project where I will be using this sort of style in most of the drawings.
I already started getting ideas down for this little project…I know it’s a bit messy, but it helps to see it all written down. Not really sure where to start, but I will get started.
This whole week has been quite annoying for me. Anyone out there with some sort of anxiety problem will understand what I’m talking about. I haven’t slept since Friday and I don’t know if I’m gonna get sleep today either.
This anxiety thing is such a burden because I don’t get to see things from the point of view of the person telling me to “just chill” or “it’s not that serious”. To me, “just chill” is the most meaningless bull anyone could ever feed me because then I’ll overthink that too so it’s a never ending cycle of panic.
My biggest problems are insomnia and socializing. Apparently its the more creative people who have sleep deprivation issues and people believe that it is the reason why they tend to be more “creative”. A lot of people like to paint this picture of the “tortured” artist and their sleepless nights but they don’t understand just how draining it all is.
Have you ever been so sleep deprived that you can’t even tell if you’re standing up? But then again you can’t sleep cause you’re still overthinking? That one thing that guy from class asked and you keep replaying it in your head and finding something new to worry about in each scenario? Not remembering what day it is? Now, I get things done in that time that I can’t sleep but trust me, it’s not fun at all, my brain and attention span do not appreciate.
The other huge thing for me is being around other people. I HATE IT! Of course, I don’t mind being around people I like. Its the people who want to know too much about me, the people who I don’t know at all, its the people who expect too much, its the ones who are too extroverted. So I avoid people altogether and that too worries me. So all my friends are internet friends but then again I still don’t have a “real” connection with people in “real” life. What do people think about that? Then with socializing, comes this fear that you can’t trust these new people. Then you develop this sort of inability to get close to people because of that, which can get really frustrating cause these people are quite fun but its just you being awkward…So worry some more about it and convince yourself that you will be the first case in history to die from loneliness, why don’t you?
More than anything, this anxiety comes from feeling really out of place everywhere. I don’t know if this is just a “phase” because I can’t remember feeling like I was ever comfortable anywhere. I don’t know if it’s something all teenagers feel but I guess it’s the reason why a lot of us kids will join cliques or little groups that do weird things.
I’m just vomiting random thoughts on here, sort of hoping that somebody, anybody could relate to this or see that they’re not alone in this anxiety thing, especially since it is mental health awareness month. Anxiety’s more common than you think. Let me get back to messing up my circadian rhythm…
So after doing the 30 day challenge and having content to post everyday and keep me accountable, I think I need to start something similar so I can start putting up some work every now and then.
I had ideas:
- To write on a little piece of paper everything that I want to draw so that I don’t have to think of a new concept everyday. So I’ll put all those little pieces of paper and put them in a jar and pull one out every morning and draw.
- I am working on a little project and I plan to have it complete in about 2 months but I’ll put the work up here and show my process (I’ll show pictures and things that inspire me through this time and how I got to the last piece) for this little project.
- The other idea I had was to look at pieces done by other artists and try to imitate it so that I can get better over time.
I just don’t want to get to a mental block so I plan things out before hand. So I’ll see what I can do about posting things on here. I might post once or twice during the week and have a few throwback sketches here and there but I’ll definitely try to do it on weekends.
Here’s a throwback to 5 years ago, when I had an unhealthy obsession with shoes…
Finally! I’m done with this challenge. It wasn’t the worst thing ever, but I just dreaded coming up with a concept every once in a while.
I found it quite fun to just sit and let all the creativity flow and find a different way to put the circles in each sketch. My only problem would be that I needed everything to be perfect even though I knew it could never be perfect because I would see a new flaw just when I thought I was finished. It’s something I’m constantly trying to beat but it’s better than what it was before I started this challenge.
It is something I really encourage everyone to try out and make a little sketch every morning. I would really love it if someone out there who loves drawing to try this challenge and share their work online even when they don’t feel as if it is something that is perfect.
I really like the way this one turned out! Tomorrow’s the last day of this challenge! I’m kind of glad this is almost over…
For this quotation, I didn’t know that it was from the one I had done on day 26 from Dr. Who, so here is the full thing:
“When you love the doctor, It’s like loving the stars themselves. You don’t expect a sunset to admire you back.”
I love how dramatic it looks and I tried a different colour this time.
This was from day 27. I don’t know what I was trying to do with the thing over her head…it looks quite weird but I like the shading on her face.