This whole week has been quite annoying for me. Anyone out there with some sort of anxiety problem will understand what I’m talking about. I haven’t slept since Friday and I don’t know if I’m gonna get sleep today either.
This anxiety thing is such a burden because I don’t get to see things from the point of view of the person telling me to “just chill” or “it’s not that serious”. To me, “just chill” is the most meaningless bull anyone could ever feed me because then I’ll overthink that too so it’s a never ending cycle of panic.
My biggest problems are insomnia and socializing. Apparently its the more creative people who have sleep deprivation issues and people believe that it is the reason why they tend to be more “creative”. A lot of people like to paint this picture of the “tortured” artist and their sleepless nights but they don’t understand just how draining it all is.
Have you ever been so sleep deprived that you can’t even tell if you’re standing up? But then again you can’t sleep cause you’re still overthinking? That one thing that guy from class asked and you keep replaying it in your head and finding something new to worry about in each scenario? Not remembering what day it is? Now, I get things done in that time that I can’t sleep but trust me, it’s not fun at all, my brain and attention span do not appreciate.
The other huge thing for me is being around other people. I HATE IT! Of course, I don’t mind being around people I like. Its the people who want to know too much about me, the people who I don’t know at all, its the people who expect too much, its the ones who are too extroverted. So I avoid people altogether and that too worries me. So all my friends are internet friends but then again I still don’t have a “real” connection with people in “real” life. What do people think about that? Then with socializing, comes this fear that you can’t trust these new people. Then you develop this sort of inability to get close to people because of that, which can get really frustrating cause these people are quite fun but its just you being awkward…So worry some more about it and convince yourself that you will be the first case in history to die from loneliness, why don’t you?
More than anything, this anxiety comes from feeling really out of place everywhere. I don’t know if this is just a “phase” because I can’t remember feeling like I was ever comfortable anywhere. I don’t know if it’s something all teenagers feel but I guess it’s the reason why a lot of us kids will join cliques or little groups that do weird things.
I’m just vomiting random thoughts on here, sort of hoping that somebody, anybody could relate to this or see that they’re not alone in this anxiety thing, especially since it is mental health awareness month. Anxiety’s more common than you think. Let me get back to messing up my circadian rhythm…